It’s hard to see that we’re thinking without getting caught up in the thoughts. It can seem like the harder we try the harder it gets, especially when we’ve just started to meditate. Like getting on a skittish horse, all we can do is just try to stay with the bumpy ride.
As we relax into the swirl of thoughts in our minds, though, we begin to sense when we’re lost in thought and when we’re not. There may come a moment when we see that just now we were thinking and not watching the breath. That moment holds many opportunities. We’re mindful at that moment, aware of the thinking process that we’ve just abandoned.
What do we do with that moment of mindfulness? The best use of it is to appreciate it by being aware of how it feels. There may be traces of frustration that we were caught up in thought, as well as lingering unease that accompanied the thinking. The frustration is of negative value, but noticing the unease is invaluable. It’s important to let go of the notion that we “should be” watching the breath so when we do notice we’ve been thinking, we can focus awareness on that lingering unease.
Even thoughts about something pleasant can have an edgy feeling to them because we’re not having that pleasure at the moment – just a fantasy about it, which is inherently unsatisfying. Thoughts about unpleasant things, or planning aimed at avoiding something unpleasant, have a variety of distressing feelings to them. When we realize we’re thinking and not watching the breath, those unpleasant feelings might pile onto the sense that we’re not meditating right.
That’s another reason why it’s so important not to fuss about having been caught up in thought. That whiff of guilt or sense of failure can keep us from seeing the effects of our thinking for what they are: dukkha stirred up by those thoughts. The Eightfold Path sets us the task of studying our suffering, our dukkha, because we need to recognize and understand how it’s caused in order to realize how to end it. This learning process is a gradual one that begins with seeing our thoughts and the unease they bring.
Another opportunity we have in that moment when we return from thinking to mindfulness is to get some space from thoughts, distance that allows us to see them as not ours, not us, or even a part of us. They’re just thoughts, just the brain’s habit of generating things to think about, most of which are unnecessary. This spaciousness in turn makes it easier for us to notice that what we’re thinking is causing us dukkha, so we can decide to stop thinking it.
Over the years I’ve practiced being mindful of my mental activity while I drive. In the early years this was very unpleasant, but my driving has slowly improved as my control over thinking has grown. When other drivers do something that endangers me or interferes with my progress, I can see angry thoughts arise. Sometimes they carry quite a charge that makes them momentarily irresistible, but as I feel the physical effects of anger grow, I often realize that I don’t want to keep thinking ill of that other driver, and I let go of those thoughts. That spares me, and possibly others, a lot of suffering.
The changes made possible by seeing our thoughts are often very gradual, like with my driving. It’s important not to expect to see a quick difference or to expect any outcome, really, because that can prevent a genuine change from taking place. Almost always the way we grow with our practice is much better than how we might have imagined it.