After writing and talking a lot about the crucial relationship we all have with the notion of “self,” I have to emphasize that this relationship needs to be a loving one. Misunderstanding the self, and trying to get rid of it can lead to a great deal of suffering and possibly to psychological trauma.
On a retreat I once came face to face with this conundrum. While my practice seemed to be going well, I had been feeling edgy and unhappy for days. I decided to drop into the feelings, spend time with the unease and sadness themselves, without trying to figure out their cause. I always keep a tissue close at hand while meditating, and I was glad to have it that day. The sadness and distress swelled and burst into tears that flowed each time I sat, always staying with the feelings and avoiding any story behind them.
Finally an insight arose in the form of a tearful child hugging my leg and begging for my attention, and at once I recognized it as the self I’ve had since early childhood. I continued to sit with the feelings that image evoked until the bell rang for a walking period. While slowly experiencing every movement of walking through sun and shade, it occurred to me that I needed to give that child the attention it sought. So as soon as I was settled for the next sitting, I took her into my arms and asked her what was wrong.
After some reticence she just looked up and asked, “Do you love me?” The fear and helplessness of the child washed through me like a quiet storm. “Of course,” I answered. “Why would you doubt it?” Again the child hesitated to respond, but finally whispered, “Because you want to kill me.” Then, as I tried to process the shock of what she’d said, she added, “That’s why you’re here.”
Receiving those words felt like being hit in the chest. Of course she would think that. All these Buddhist teachings about the illusion of self had led me to think I needed to get rid of my self. Seeing that this was a misconception stirred another insight, that Liberation only requires us to realize that the self is just a mental construct. Still, the self is an idea that’s absolutely necessary for the mind to function in this world. Not only did I need this concept of self, my life and my impact on the world would greatly benefit from my understanding and loving my self.
I held that child/self close to my heart and whispered, “I promise I will never leave you. I’ll keep you safe and healthy all my life. I love you very dearly.” Tears flowed as freely as before but this time gentler, happier and more loving.
I’ve shared this very personal experience in the hope that it will help many of you understand that our self-concepts are a problem only when we believe them to exist as things that are us. It isn’t having a concept of self that causes dukkha, but clinging to it and all the rest of what we cling to as “I, me or mine.”
This is a difficult proposition to grasp, a bit like trying to see our own faces without a mirror. I went through the common phases of thinking the teachings on not-self were absurd, then accepting intellectually that they might right, to a period of uneasy grappling with my ideas of self. Finally, some time after this insight that I really needed to love my self, was I able to live in a good relationship with the mind’s need for this concept.
As metaphors and as an ultimate truth, our love must flow through both our hearts and our selves to reach any and all other beings.